You heard it here first, people! Republicans will be reponsible for electing the next President of the United States. And he/she is going to be the nation’s first black man or white woman President. And he/she is going to be Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton!
Sad news recently, people, in the world of politics. Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Senator and current Democratic candidate for President John Edwards, announced that her breast cancer has returned with a vengeance, tearing through her body with lethal force. On the Republican side, Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow announced that his colon cancer has returned and spread to his liver.
It would seem that cancer is a cancer on the body politic. This would be an incorrect reading of the situation!
The Situation, as usual, is much more nefarious, people!
We Americans are way too likely to trust our institutions. Sure, we have a few whackos (visionaries?) who claim that Timothy McVeigh was the fall guy for the FBI or that a cabal of Masons really killed JFK. But for the most part, we attribute failure to “bad apples” and success to hard work. Wake up, people! Get paranoid!
Legend has it that Rotund Founder Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our National Symbol, but that the turkey lost out to the mighty eagle. Franklin is said to have been disappointed but accepting of the defeat. Unlikely!
This shadowy group openly flaunts its on-the-surface seemingly-American agenda of heavy meat consumption. But The Tri-Tip Commission’s true intentions are truly nefarious, anti-American and even…they’re still here, people!…communist!
For centuries, many have feared the insidious tentacles of The International Jewish Bankers. Off by one letter, people! These fears have been misplaced and instead should have been centered on The International Jewish Bakers.
This ancient, secretive association has been promoting a swishy lifestyle for centuries. Once you have been made aware of The Balsamic Temple, evidence of their nefarious deeds will shout at you from the menu of nearly every sit-down restaurant and cafe in America. And a visit to the home of so-called Americans with so-called advanced degrees is a journey into the treacherous lair of The Balsamic Temple.
AS OF TODAY, THE CONSPIRACIST IS HERE TO IDENTIFY ALL OF OUR ENEMIES.
DANGER IS HIGH, BUT AWARENESS IS LOW.
THE CONSPIRACIST VOWS TO INCREASE AWARENESS.
THERE’S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT DECREASING DANGER, THOUGH.
THIS IS A DANGEROUS WORLD, PEOPLE!!!
